Dear Crystal

Dear Crystal,

It's been a few months now. I figured it might be time to sit down and write something out. I'd been thinking about it for a while, finally got around to doing it. But hey, that's how I do things, right?

Dad and I got lost trying to find the church. We came right from SeaTac, so we weren't all that far. But I get lost quickly these days in Seattle. I know it's a weird thought, but I get turned around really easily now, sometimes I can't even tell what's north or south. Dad was absolutely certain he knew where it was, but dad is Dad, what can I say.

We drove down to where we thought it was. No luck. We stopped in the local grocery store. The clerk there shrugged her shoulders. She thought there was a church by that name somewhere around, no good leads. We tried another street and ended up in the curvy roundabouts of some housing project. It looked nice. Nice houses, nice yards. A couple of kids were walking home and dad pulled up. They must have been shocked, some crazy old white man, barely any hair on his head pulling up and rolling down his window. His ugly sunglasses on. I wondered what they thought. They were nice too, like the houses. They knew where it was, pointed back the way that we came. We turned the station wagon around, made an illegal left turn and we were on our way.

He stayed for a little while, but he was really just there to drop me off. I didn't recognize anybody there at first, it was so odd, standing there in a church I'd never been to before and looking at a crowd of people I didn't recognize. Then I saw Rey-Rey.

Same old Rey-Rey. He used to look older than he was, now he looks younger than he is. Finally grew into that frame of his. Same big feet, same big hands. Same lopsided grin. He recognized me right away and gave me a hug that would have crushed a tree trunk.

From then on it was easier to realize I was there at this strange church. I started to see folks I hadn't been able to pull out of a crowd, faces I hadn't seen in years. I saw Nette. Saw Jason and Becky. Saw Julie too. Saw your girls there, didn't even realize it at first.

I tried to look presentable and changed quickly in the tiny bathroom in the corner of the church there. Was awkward, trying to squeeze my fancy shiny black shoes on and it seemed silly since I was going to be there for such a short while. You see, I'd missed my original flight (my fault) and so I was a little late. But I'd brought these nice clothes and everything. Everybody else was dressed nice and I was in a church, for god's sake. So I changed and came back out. Everybody agreed that I cleaned up well, which was nice of them to say. We all sat down and had some food. I only had some soda pop but didn't really feel like eating at all. Don't get me wrong, the food looked great and everybody else looked like they were really enjoying it. There was even cake there too, I had a few bites of that at least. But it just still didn't quite sit right, you know? And I knew it was because your girls were sitting across me from me at their own table. They looked happy, playful, teasing each other and visiting folks all around and across the room. They just couldn't sit still.

They look like you. It's crazy. But hey, lots of things that are common sense to normal people are crazy to me, even at 32. Now that's crazy.

We left after a little bit. Spent a little while at Julie's place and that was nice too, so many memories I'd forgotten I'd had about that place. She told us a few stories, most of them just sorta kinda drifted off without really any ending. Jason, Becky and I got the idea to go visit the high school again. I mean, I hadn't seen them in ages and all, it just made sense really. The whole silver lining thing of this whole trip was seeing Jason and Becky again. I'll admit Crystal, I was really nervous about seeing them again. I mean, I know they are old friends and stuff, but it feels like so many lifetimes ago that I lived in Seattle with my parents and climbed in the back of Becky's little pickup truck to go to school in the morning. And it's true, it really was a long time ago.

By the time we got to Garfield High though, that was all gone. It's not so much the length of time you've been apart, I've figured out, but instead it's what happens when you see them again. That's how friends work. Took me 32 years to figure that out too. What can I say?

Garfield is so...so open on the inside now. It's like they caved out the whole thing on the inside. The walls are sparkling clean, the floor is immaculate. You have to look hard to try and find some graffiti, any graffiti! A couple of times, I got so disoriented, I couldn't tell what part of the school I was in. We had to piece it together based on which way we'd walked. It all looked so different, the only things that were instantly recognizable were the staircases. I don't know if you'd been in the school lately, but I hadn't, not after the remodel. We agreed that they did a pretty outstanding job. Maybe too nice. We spent a lot of time reminiscing about how gritty it was back when we were in school. We sound kinda old. I guess we are now.

Jason and Becky ran into their old chemistry teacher. It was an awkward conversation to get started but Becky is fearless and Jason is clever and they just sort of marched in there and started chatting. The chemistry room looked like a real classroom. They have all sorts of equipment now and fume hoods and the whole nine yards. It blew my mind.

When we were on the Alder side of school Becky read something that she'd prepared. Because I was late, I didn't get to hear it at the church. We walked and she read it out loud. It was just us in the hallway and it was just about damned near perfect. If I remember anything from that day it'll be the three of us traipsing down the hallway in silence, with Becky reading out loud from her scrap of paper. When she read it in church it was for them. When she read it in the hallway it was for us. I think all three of us needed that.

Then we walked across the street to Ezell's for old time's sake. Also, we were hungry too, which is less nostalgic but not any less avoidable. The chicken was just as good as I remembered. The biscuits were possibly better than I remembered. We sat on the stairwell, talked and ate. That will probably the closest I'll ever come to time traveling, I swear.

The brochures from the church had your picture on them, and I still have one. I folded it up and kept it in my nice slacks pocket for the whole trip, then unfolded it and kept it on my bookshelf here in Spokane. It's not a great pamphlet, it's pretty bland. Has a list of all your family and the folks who got up and spoke and such, but beyond that there's really not much to it. Which is a shame really. I recognize the picture they have on the front as being you, but it's not the person I remember.

Crystal, I have one, singular and indelible image of you. It's you, standing on Alder street outside school. It's summerish, maybe spring, maybe school is almost out for the year. You're listening to your old walkman, with the headphones partially hidden under your braided, beaded hair. You are looking down at first, clicking the next track button with your impractical big red nails. You are probably listening to Queen. You look up at me.

Crystal, I've met a lot of girls in 32 years. I've seen a lot of them smile, I've heard a lot of them laugh. I've seen enchanting smiles, charming smiles, broad smiles. Seen smirks, grins, winks. Heard giggles, chortles, guffaws. Whatever, there are lots out there.

When you look up, you smile at me. I've never seen any girl with as big a smile as yours. Never in my whole life and I probably never will. It's a grin that just keeps going, it's huge, massive, overwhelming. It makes me want to smile. I can't help it. You toss your head a bit to the side and wave your hands, trying to get one or two braids out of your eyes. No matter how many pictures I see of you, this is the only one that sticks. You, brushing your hair to the side, listening to your CD player, smiling.

These days, when I meet women for the first few times and I think maybe I might be interested, the first thing I listen for is the laugh. A laugh is a dealbreaker for me, Crystal. It's crazy but it really, really is. And frankly, I blame you for this one. For some reason or another, you got me stuck on that big outrageous laugh of yours. So I keep looking for that. A girl who's not afraid of tilting her head back and really laughing at something, not caring what anybody thinks. I used to wonder how I got this stuck in my head. Now I realize it was you. I guess I'm not really blaming you, but I'm not really thanking you either. Maybe somewhere in between. But I figured you should know that I finally figured this one out. Good for me, bad for silly girls with polite little tiny teehee laughs.

So I'm back here in Spokane. Becky and Jason are back doing the things that they need to do. They're adults now, they get stuff done and they're responsible and stuff. Me, I'm still trying to learn that part. Going back to school again, trying some new things out. Not sure if it'll work out, but it feels right. I suppose that's the most important thing. I know that we'll see each other again and next time I won't be nervous at all. It'll be fun. And that I will go ahead and thank you for. You gave me a reason to go home, sit in a car with the old man and shoot the shit. Sit on a stairwell with old friends. Sit on a plane on the way back to Spokane and re-evalutate my priorities a little bit. So thanks. Shoulda spent more time with you, shoulda come back and visited. Shoulda met your daughters properly. Shoulda done a lotta things.

But I did do one thing right. I came back home, I made the trip. I was there at the church. I was there in my fancy clothes. I was there in the hallway, listening to Becky's voice bounce of the walls of Garfield.

Thanks Crystal,

-Devin

Crystal Law was a good friend of mine. She passed away in October of 2011.